It is the eve of my 35th birthday and, as is true of every year, I have anticipatory birthday blues. I know this day will let me down. Yet, in the face of that knowledge today, just like every other year I pour so much hope into the fantasy that this birthday will be all that it can be. I have quite a list of birthday wishes. They won't come true either way, so I will break the birthday wish jinx rule and tell you what they are:
1. I wish I would wake up tomorrow and be magically and finally divorced from my husband. I further wish that Brad Pitt's Billy Bean from Moneyball would magically replace said ex-husband.
2. I wish my wrinkles would suddenly be erased (those face creams are liars) and my skeletor/crypt keeper face would be replaced by the plump youthful one I expect to see.
3. That wish goes double for the restoration of my breasts...8 straight years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, massive weight gain and loss can really be a doozy on the boosies (what book was that word from?)
4. I wish that I would be miraculously patient, kind, loving and merciful...the very picture of grace in my actions toward my children. I wish that without effort, or any sense of discomfort, I could perfectly parent my sons-bringing out the best in them and spurring them on to greatness as they discover their talents and pursue them to their zenith.
5. In case that wish sounded a little spiritual for this fairly selfish litany, this one should sit better in the pocket (as Paula would say). I wish I could lose 7 pounds in the "second buttocks" region. Or upper thigh as you might refer to it. You know that place where if you wear the wrong pair of undies you end up with four butt cheeks. I know you feel me, ladies.
6. I wish that, from the moment I wake tomorrow, to the moment my head hits the pillow that everyone I interact with shall treat my like the birthday queen, anticipating my every thought and fulfilling it to perfection. I know it is vague, but I am VERY serious about this one, in particular.
7. Finally, and probably most importantly, I wish that tomorrow would be the day that I meet and simultaneously fall in (reciprocated) love with the man of my dreams-the face and general adorabilitude (yup made it up, just for him) of Jake Gyllenhaal, the body of Tatum Channing (or vice versa-can't rightly tell which way his names are supposed to line up), the lips of Tom Hardy, the accent of Gerard Butler, the athletic handsomeness of Mark Sanchez (in case you've never heard of that, that is the perfect proportion of equally handsome and athletically capable-it is a mathematical expression that is probably above your paygrade, so that explanation will have to suffice), the apparent genius of Christopher Nolan, the song writing skillz of John Foreman, the work ethic of Ryan Seacrest (although NONE of his physical attributes PLEASE) AND last but most certainly not least the true love mirroring that of Jesus Christ.
Not Gonna Happen.
So what, then?
Instead, I'll go teach my students - and fulfill my personal goal for the day-no audible "cuss's" and no free flying birds in the general direction of any 14-18 year olds. Then I'll take my kid to the doctor to check out the "boogers" that have taken permanent residency in Jake's sinuses. We'll rent a kid friendly movie, and I'll rent some non-kid-friendly movie for myself (which sadly, will not be "Drive" with another of of my potential next ex's, Ryan Gosling-cuz it doesn't come out until next Tuesday :( ).
And then I'll go to sleep and wake up and start the second half of my life (which is probably optimistic, as given the mortality rate of ladies in my family - I probably won't make it past 60)
Because I am the song-singing constant inner monologue-er, I have a song to usher in this year. It manages to capture the odd pairing of melancholie and inexplicable joy that I manage to find constantly running in and out of my life. It's by Switchfoot...On Fire
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you
Knows there's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire when He's near you
You're on fire when he speaks
You're on fire burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see, yeah
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be near You, yeah
When everything inside me
Looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
And I'm on fire when He's near you
And I'm on fire when He speaks
And I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
You're on fire
You're on fire
You're on fire
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire when you're near me
And I'm on fire when you speak, yeah
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
These mysteries
These mysteries, yeah
You're a mystery, yeah
You're a mystery
