Dear Abby,
Can it only be two months? Has it already been two months. Time doesn't heal anything. Time barely makes sense during the times when we need healing. There are moments, between all the times where I just don't believe any of it is ture, where my heart breaks-into smithereens-and I cry, not because I understand, but because I don't. I don't understand how much it must hurt for the one you love the very best to be gone. I can't imagine loving that much and then losing. I love my children, but that isn't by choice, i don't think. I have never loved, purposefully, by choice, that much. I know you have. Right, or wrong, you loved him like crazy. It is an unknowable agony, and once in a while I get a whiff of it and it ruins me.
So for you, the ruin must be daily, moment by moment, complete, vicious, Mom times Ben, no doubt. In the midst of that pain, how unimaginable that an all powerful God, could also be all loving while He stood by and allowed this to happen. How on earth do you trust Him, or even believe that He is real enough to trust?
You are not alone. Even those who saw Him, touched, Him, loved Him, knew Him in the way in which we LONG to have Him did not trust Him any further than they could throw Him. Though Peter had seen Jesus perform miracle after miracle, though he professed with His mouth that Jesus was the Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit, nonetheless, Peter was limited by his humanity. We can only trust so much. And though we trust, our meager flesh betrays us.
Take Matthew 14: 22 22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
But, LOOK, Abby, it is not dependent on Peter, to trust, or know, or feel, or perfectly reflect the glory of God. NO! It is Jesus, who, despite Peter's frailty, reaches out and SAVES him. He buoys Peter up, when Peter's moment of doubt threatened to drown him. That is how we know, though we cannot see, though we cannot feel, though we do not hear, that it is He, Christ Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit who sustains us. That it is He who bolsters us. That it is He who is trustworthy. That it is He. Because without Jesus Christ, Abby, you would have failed to get out of the bed the next day. Because without His creative power you would not be able to bear this pregnancy alone. Because without His word, you would have fallen prey to the lie that there is no point. Because without His love you would have turned your back on those girls to lick your wounds. Because without His presence, you would die of loneliness. Because without His promise of a future you would cease to exist. Because without His hand sustaining you, you would have QUIT long ago.
But He is! He was! He shall be forevermore! And you are. You take care of those babies. You work, day in and day out. God sees you and sustains you. Abby, I know because he did the same for me, though I do not compare my situation to yours, I do compare my salvation to yours, because it radiates from His throne in both cases. He amazes me, through YOU - Abigail. Through your life, I know the Lord is LORD of all. Through your perseverance, I am convinced of the work of the Holy Spirit. You may not see it, and you may not feel it but you PROCLAIM it , and we who see you are encouraged, and bolstered, and men and women are won to Christ because you display His work for all to see.
What was meant for evil, and indeed it was. ... For it is not God who authors sin and calamity and death, but our choice from the beginning, through Adam and Eve. We chose knowing, and in knowing we brought the consequence of guilt and suffering as a HUMAN RACE upon ourselves. ... what was meant for evil He will take and make beautiful. That is who He is. He cannot contradict Himself. He will not undo Himself. He WILL draw all men unto Him and, in beauty untold, you will be part of that. God did not do this to Ardell, but He will turn it on its heels...he will restore the years that the locust have eaten. He will bless where curses were spoken. You may not see or feel this for years. But that is because we are temporal. But He has done it. Christ has won it. He is making beautiful things out of shit. I am watching it happen. And I am so! so proud to be your sister. You are a living testimony to the power of Christ, you are thriving and your girls are blossoming in the midst of chaos and sorrow and pain indescribable. BUT I AM dwells in you. And Jessica Dowd is encouraged just to see His light reflected in your life.
His Spirit is upon you. I see it. I feel it, emanating from you. It is strong, and loud. I'm not sure if you've ever listened to Gungor, but I've been thinking of this song all day...and then I saw it on a friend's pinterest. Like a confirmation, and I could not keep silent. I want you to know, Ab, that I see His fire in you...I know Him in a deeper, greater way because of YOU! Because of AVA. Because of ADRIANA. Because of Aaliyah.
i Love you. He Loves you. it bind us. all of us. one. even if just for this moment we are all one.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
