School started today-and lets be honest, divided by my little family of 5 that salary puts me well below the poverty level. No offense to Prov...that's just the truth.
The above is made possible by the surprising (though it shouldn't be) fact that the ex isn't working anymore. Currently. Maybe ever?
The very sweet youth pastor at church died this weekend.
My little mind reels with what seem like the big questions:
How can God just let things happen?
Why doesn't He intervene?
Why does He seemingly intervene in some things and not others?
Are you there God? it's me, jessica.
Why do things just seem to work out peachy for some people?
Why am I such a complaining baby when there are people going through real actual misery, loss, and carrying around massive unquenchable guilt and shame?
Where are You? And why aren't You completely sold on my agenda?
The answer is Jesus.
And if the answer isn't Jesus, I'm asking all the wrong questions.
The real questions are:
How is that poor wife going to survive?
How will those little baby girls grow up without their daddy?
How is the whole family going to retain joy and faith?
What's going to get them through each bleedingly slow thick fog moment?
Only Jesus.
I get rewrapped up in myself, again and again. I'm chasing down all the wrong choices (career, education, love) I've made (still make) in my life, blaming someone else for mind effing me into making them, knowing all along I could have chosen better at any point. Breaking through that circle work of thought is a new meaningless treat of self blather praising the choices I did make and that have resulted in some pretty great kids. Immediately in answer to that is the retort that certainly i could have had the children and made good career choices and not be boxed into a place where I can't handle my business financially even though the talents I have been given would beg to be used in a way that ought to be quite successful. It is an Escher-esque labyrinth of inception-self induced and little jabs thrown in there purposefully and not by others, and there is no way out. The thoughts, the questions, the self loathing, the feeling of superiority, the inadequacy, the trying and striving, desiring to be unique and amazing and failing, the delusions of grandeur, the threat of depression...these things twist and turn and unfold and retract and grow exponentially inside my brain. The thoughts fill my mind until they are pressing against my skull (because that is biologically correct talk) and hurt my head. My constant inner monologue becomes so mumbly jumbly incoherent that eventually the only real way to express them is to borrow an eloquent song lyric that weaves in and out of the nonsense, soundtracking my feelings.
And so I give you...one of my faves if we're going by this blog...Switchfoot:
"Vice Verses"
Walking along the high tide line
Watching the pacific from the sidelines
Wonder what it means to live together?
Looking for more than just guidelines
Looking for signs in the night sky,
Wishing that I wasn’t such a nice guy
Wonder what it means to live forever?
Wonder what it means to die?
The wind could be my new obsession
The wind could be my new depression
The wind goes anywhere it wants to
Wishing that I learned my lesson
The ocean sounds like a garage band
Coming at me like a drunk man
The ocean tells me a thousand stories
None of them are lies
Let the pacific laugh
Be on my epitaph
With it's rising and falling
And after all, it's just water
And I am just soul
With a body of water and bones
Water and bones
Where is God in the night sky?
Where is God in the city light?
Where is God in the earthquake?
Where is God in the genocide?
Where are you in my broken heart?
Everything seems to fall apart
Everything feels rusted over
Tell me that you're there
I know that there's a meaning to it all
A little resurrection every time I fall
You got your babies, I got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I got my vices, I got my vice verses
These are my vice verses
These are my vice verses
Yeah
These are my vice verses
Watching the pacific from the sidelines
Wonder what it means to live together?
Looking for more than just guidelines
Looking for signs in the night sky,
Wishing that I wasn’t such a nice guy
Wonder what it means to live forever?
Wonder what it means to die?
The wind could be my new obsession
The wind could be my new depression
The wind goes anywhere it wants to
Wishing that I learned my lesson
The ocean sounds like a garage band
Coming at me like a drunk man
The ocean tells me a thousand stories
None of them are lies
Let the pacific laugh
Be on my epitaph
With it's rising and falling
And after all, it's just water
And I am just soul
With a body of water and bones
Water and bones
Where is God in the night sky?
Where is God in the city light?
Where is God in the earthquake?
Where is God in the genocide?
Where are you in my broken heart?
Everything seems to fall apart
Everything feels rusted over
Tell me that you're there
I know that there's a meaning to it all
A little resurrection every time I fall
You got your babies, I got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I got my vices, I got my vice verses
These are my vice verses
These are my vice verses
Yeah
These are my vice verses
