Little Earthquakes...wherein I return to writing for one night only thanks to something i read on the interwebs

I haven't written much at all in the past two years.  My brain didn't miraculously go silent; no the roiling nonsense continues on a regular basis.  I just don't have time to write or anything really good to say.  It's like the words got dumber, and I don't want to sound dumb in public.  With that being said, there are good words that go along with the topic today, but I can't seem to get them out.  Oh well...here's what I do have.

The internet is both my best and most constant friend, and my biggest time suck, all rolled into one.  So much of it is crap but, every once in a while it coughs up a gem. This gem on this day in particular is resonating with me in a way that surprises me:

"...to have faith, even when you don't believe anymore."

That is my current spiritual predicament.  I do not believe anymore. A lot of you who still believe will say that I covered my ears, closed my eyes. Turned away.  And then walked in that away direction.  Walked away from faith. Walked away from God.  Walked away from the truth.

And that may be.  But I look at it differently (I hear the dogmatic countercommentary, and I've applied it already and it bounces right off). The way I see it, I grew tired of imagining a lover who isn't there.  A God who is reportedly all about relationship but puts all the onus on me.  Who is all powerful but leaves all the daily grind relationshipping to little old broken me.  It seemed to me I was living in a vivid fantasy world completely in my mind in this regard...like I was texting some emotionally unavailable boyfriend who was ignoring and deleting the texts with prejudice.  I didn't want to be a stoic anymore.  I wanted to be ravaged by a wild God who wanted to be in a real relationship with me and knowing who I am (because..creator) would do anything to show me that in a way I could feel.  And I have felt nothing for quite some time.

So I stopped.  I stopped all the imaginating and faking it til I make it that never led to making it. I stopped believing.

Moreover, I have not been willing to have faith in the absence of evidence or feeling.  For months I've stubbornly dug my feet in and said no I don't believe.  I shoved my fist up at the sky and said in the words, although with perhaps a slightly different meaning, of Atreiu from Neverending Story to the servant of the nothing, "Come for me!!!!"

Nothing.

And then this grammar murdering meme with several postulates about what strength is suggested I should have faith...even though I don't believe anymore. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I think about everything all of the time, you know, constant inner monologue.  But, underneath and weaving in and out of my thoughts about the myriad of topics I am forever mulling over is this stupid quote about faith.

As Mumford & Sons have sung (leave it to those crazy Brits to say it best) I don't even know if I believe, I don't even know if I wanna believe, but I'm willing to take a peek of faith.  Not a leap, and not even a step, but a peek in that direction.

Even so, come.





Believe
Mumford & Sons

You may call it in this evening
But you've only lost the night
Present all your pretty feelings
May they comfort you tonight
And I'm climbing over something
And I'm running through these walls

I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
Everything you're trying to say to me

I had the strangest feeling
Your world's not all it seems
So tired of misconceiving
What else this could've been

I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
Everything you're trying to say to me

So open up my eyes
Tell me I'm alive
This is never gonna go our way
If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

Say something, say something
Something like you love me
Like you want to move away
From the noise of this place

Well I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I wanna believe
Everything you're trying to say to me

So open up my eyes
Tell me I'm alive
This is never gonna go our way
If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

So open up my eyes
Tell me I'm alive
This is never gonna go our way
If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind